Your Child CAN'T Listen - And that Changes Everything

We often say, “My child just won’t listen.”

But what if the truth is... they can’t?

That shift—from “won’t” to “can’t”—isn’t just semantics. It’s a whole new way of understanding your child’s brain, behaviour, and needs. And it’s where healing begins.

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Dr. Ross Greene, the author of The Explosive Child, said it best:

“Kids do well if they can.”

That means when your child isn’t listening, it’s not because they’re being defiant, lazy, or disrespectful. It’s because something in that moment is getting in the way of their ability to do well.

Let’s explore what’s really going on—especially for kids with ADHD—and what you can do to make things easier, more connected, and more effective in your home.

Why Listening Is Hard for Kids with ADHD

First, a little brain science.

Kids with ADHD often struggle with:

• Executive Function: Skills like impulse control, working memory, and attention regulation are delayed. So holding onto a multi-step instruction—or even shifting attention from their Lego to your voice—can feel impossible.
  
  
• Auditory Processing: ADHD brains sometimes hear you, but don’t process the meaning of what you said quickly enough to act.
  
  
• Nervous System Regulation: According to Polyvagal Theory (Dr. Stephen Porges), a child can only access higher-level thinking and social engagement (like listening) when their nervous system feels safe and regulated. ADHD kids often live in a state of dysregulation—fight, flight, or freeze.
  
  

So if your child is hungry, overtired, overstimulated, or emotionally flooded… listening just isn’t going to happen. And no amount of repeating, threatening, or yelling will override a brain that’s stuck in survival mode.

The Parent’s Story About Listening

And then there’s your story.

For many of us, “good kids listen.” And when our child doesn’t, it can trigger deep emotions:

• Disrespect: “They don’t care about what I say.”
  
  
• Defeat: “Why does nothing work?”
  
  
• Self-doubt: “I must be doing something wrong.”
  
  

These feelings are valid—but if we’re not mindful of them, they shape our energy. And our energy is what our child attunes to. If we feel anxious, angry, or unworthy, our child picks that up in our tone, body language, and nervous system cues.

So instead of seeing “not listening” as a power struggle… we can see it as an invitation to connect, regulate, and reframe. Need help figuring out how to do this? I've got you! This is what Parenting is Easy is all about!

Why Yelling Feels Like It "Works" (But Doesn’t)

Here’s something wild (and a little frustrating):

When we ask nicely and get no response… then yell, and finally our child reacts—it feels like yelling is what “works.”

But here’s what’s happening neurologically:

Yelling creates a surge of adrenaline and, in some kids with ADHD, a hit of dopamine—the neurochemical they’re constantly seeking. That rush can feel activating in a dysregulated brain. So the brain starts to link parent yelling = dopamine reward.

Not ideal, right?

It unintentionally reinforces the very behaviour we’re trying to shift. The child learns to wait for the volume spike to get the dopamine they crave.

How to Spark Listening Without Yelling

(aka: Positive Dopamine Pathways)

Instead of relying on stress to activate the brain, let’s use strategies that naturally boost dopamine and build connection:

✨ 1. Make it Playful
Use silly voices, songs, or games to give instructions. Laughter triggers dopamine and makes transitions easier.

✨ 2. Use Visuals & Movement
Timers, checklists, or even movement-based routines help the ADHD brain engage. Try a “ninja mission” to get to the bath or a race to tidy up.

✨ 3. Celebrate Micro-Wins
Every time they do listen, reflect it back:
"Wow, you paused your game and came right when I called. That’s amazing focus!"
Celebration = dopamine = repetition.

✨ 4. Create Predictable Routines
Structure helps regulate the nervous system. If your child knows what’s coming next, transitions feel safer and more doable.

✨ 5. Use Connection Before Direction
Before giving an instruction, connect with their eyes, touch, or a gentle smile. Oxytocin (the bonding hormone) helps open the brain’s “ears.”

LOVE Ü Method: Your Listening Support System

Here’s how this all fits into the LOVE Ü Parenting Method:

• 💗 Ü – YOU First: Regulate your nervous system first. You are the anchor your child needs to feel safe and open to listen.
  
  
• 👂 L – Listen Deeply: Instead of assuming defiance, get curious. What’s their nervous system telling you?
  
  
• 🤗 O – Oxytocin: Connection is the fastest path to cooperation. Warm tone, gentle touch, and eye contact go a long way.
  
  
• 💬 V – Values, Vision, Validation: Guide with your values (“In our family, we listen to each other”) and validate their experience (“I know it’s hard to stop when you’re doing something fun”).
  
  
• 🌊 E – Emotions & Energetics: Listening is an energetic exchange. Stay grounded, and help them co-regulate through their emotional waves.
  
  

Final Thought: Listening Isn’t the Goal—Connection Is

The next time your child “doesn’t listen,” pause and remember:

It’s not a discipline failure.
It’s not a reflection of your worth.
It’s not your child being bad.

It’s a moment to ask, “What does their brain need right now?”
And “What does my energy bring to this moment?”

Because when connection comes first, listening naturally follows.

And if you’re ready for more tools, support, and science-backed strategies like this, join me inside Parenting is Easy—where I teach you exactly how to work with your child’s unique design instead of battling against it.

You’re doing beautifully. And this gets to be easier. 💗