Why We Need to Stop Teaching Our Kids "You Made Me Sad"

Recently, I overheard a well-meaning mama talking to her toddler who was crying, eager for her mother to sing a song. Lovingly, she said:

"First, stop crying. Mommy doesn’t like it when you cry. It makes me sad because I love you. I want you to be happy."

My heart instantly ached—not just for the child, but for this mother too, who, with nothing but good intentions, unknowingly placed an enormous emotional burden onto her toddler.

It's a scenario that plays out every day in homes around the world. As parents, we often say things like, "I felt sad when you did that," or "You made Mommy upset." We think we’re teaching emotional honesty and communication, but we're actually teaching something quite different—and deeply problematic.

Here's the uncomfortable truth: no one else is responsible for our feelings. It isn't your child’s crying that makes you sad. It's the thoughts you have about their crying, rooted in your own expectations, experiences, and emotional conditioning.

By inadvertently teaching our kids phrases like "you made me sad," we hand over our emotional responsibility to a child—who is neither emotionally mature enough nor equipped to handle it. We unintentionally send a message that others control our feelings. Over time, this undermines their emotional resilience, autonomy, and healthy boundaries.

Let's explore why this common parenting habit is harmful—and how the LOVE Ü Parenting Method provides a better way. JOIN the LOVE U Parenting Classroom Today - click here. 

Why Telling Kids They Cause Our Feelings is Damaging

Parenting expert Dr. Becky Kennedy explains in her book, Good Inside, that children depend on parents to help them organize their emotional worlds. When parents consistently say things like, "You made me sad," or "You're making Mommy upset," children internalize the harmful belief:

• "I’m responsible for other people’s emotions."
  
  
• "If Mom or Dad feels bad, it’s my fault."
  
  

This creates a tremendous emotional burden. Research by child psychologist Dr. Laura Markham shows children who feel emotionally responsible for their parents often develop heightened anxiety and struggle with emotional regulation. They become overly sensitive to others' emotional states, frequently developing people-pleasing behaviors, perfectionism, and low self-esteem.

Moreover, this pattern is misleading. Cognitive behavioral research confirms our thoughts create our feelings—not other people's actions. When your toddler cries, it's your thoughts ("Why can't I comfort her?" or "I'm failing as a mom!") that create feelings of sadness—not the crying itself. The crying is neutral. Your interpretation gives rise to sadness or frustration.

By saying, "You made me sad," we project our internal emotional responsibility onto young shoulders—shoulders too small to bear this weight.

What Can Parents Do Instead? (Introducing LOVE Ü Parenting)

The good news: there’s a more emotionally intelligent, research-backed way to parent, rooted in my LOVE Ü Parenting Method. Here’s how to help your child develop emotional intelligence and resilience without inadvertently handing them responsibility for your emotions.

L - Listen Deeply
Instead of asking your child to change their emotions ("Stop crying"), simply validate them:

"I see you’re sad. It’s okay to feel that way. Everyone cries sometimes."

This validation teaches your child that their feelings are acceptable, safe, and natural.

O - Oxytocin (and Connection)
Prioritize loving connection and comfort instead of control or emotional pressure. Offer a hug or gentle touch, releasing oxytocin, the bonding hormone:

"Mommy’s right here. It’s okay to be upset. Let’s sit together until you feel better."

V - Values, Vision, Validation
Teach children explicitly that we each own our feelings and reactions, even from a young age:

"I see you’re upset, and that's okay. Mommy feels a little worried because I want to help you, but it's okay to feel your feelings. I'm here for you."

In this way, you model emotional responsibility. You own your feelings, not placing the responsibility on your child.

E - Emotions & Energetics
Teach emotional intelligence clearly and intentionally. Remind your child (and yourself!) that each person’s feelings arise from their internal thoughts and perspectives—not other people's actions. Practice naming your feelings clearly and neutrally:

"I’m noticing I feel a little sad right now. That’s okay. Sometimes grown-ups feel sad too."

Building Emotional Resilience

Instead of teaching children to manage your emotions, teach them emotional resilience:

• Model clear emotional responsibility by saying:
  
  
  "Mommy feels frustrated. I'm going to take deep breaths to help me feel calm again."
  
  
  
• Explain emotions as experiences that come and go:
  
  
  "Feelings come and feelings go. Let's notice how you're feeling now. It's okay to feel whatever you're feeling."
  
  
  
• Reinforce your child's emotional autonomy by saying:
  
  
  "Your feelings belong to you. Mommy’s feelings belong to Mommy."
  
  
  

By consistently using these methods, children learn the critical skill of emotional regulation and responsibility, rather than internalizing an impossible burden of managing other people's emotions.

The Power of Changing Our Language

It may feel awkward at first to shift away from familiar phrases like "you made me sad," but the payoff is enormous. Small changes in our language profoundly impact our children's emotional development, resilience, and future relationships.

When we use the LOVE Ü Parenting Method, we raise kids who:

• Understand their emotional experiences clearly and honestly
  
  
• Develop strong emotional resilience and intelligence
  
  
• Maintain healthy boundaries and relationships
  
  
• Trust themselves deeply and authentically
  
  

Your child deserves the gift of emotional autonomy. They deserve a parent who models clear emotional responsibility.

It Starts with Us

If you've found yourself saying, "You made me sad," please don't feel guilty or discouraged. You’ve been doing the best you can with what you've known—and now you know more.

Parenting is a continual growth journey. When you begin validating emotions and clearly owning your feelings, your entire family benefits. Not only does your child grow stronger, but so do you—deepening your emotional intelligence, resilience, and confidence as a parent.

You have the power to rewrite emotional legacies. You have the power to raise children who thrive emotionally, who trust their internal wisdom, and who confidently own their feelings without taking responsibility for others'.

Let's give our children—and ourselves—the freedom and power of true emotional intelligence. JOIN the LOVE U Parenting Classroom Today - click here.